Question:
Assalamu Alaikum, I hope you are well, insha’Allah. I am a 24-year-old young man from Morocco. It is very difficult to admit, but in my late adolescence and early twenties, I committed very serious sins. I feel extremely ashamed of this and I am striving and praying a lot to seek forgiveness from Allah. I am sending this message because I want to seek advice about a situation that I am truly uncertain about. I met a woman in Thailand and, may Allah forgive me, I fell into an illicit relationship with her. After 4 months, I felt extreme shame and guilt and told her I could not continue. However, during our time together, she was secretly learning about faith and Islam… she said she wants to marry me. She comes from a wealthy family, so I know she does not want me just for money. She is a sincere and very kind person, and I see that she cares for me a lot and could be an excellent mother. But our relationship still started from something forbidden… and I am in extreme turmoil. If she were Muslim and we had done things in a halal way before starting this forbidden act, I would undoubtedly want to marry her. But my concern is that we started in a forbidden way, and although I have read online that if you make sincere repentance from an illicit relationship, Allah can bless your marriage… I am still very uncertain. I am worried that she wants to accept Islam only for me, which I have read is forbidden because it is not done for the sake of Allah. But at the same time, I see that she is making a genuine effort; she fasted the entire month of Ramadan and is praying her 5 daily prayers + sunnah prayers. She is also motivating me to become a better Muslim. I also fear that my family will not approve of this marriage because she is a foreigner and recently accepted Islam. I do not want them to know that the relationship started in a forbidden way… I am not sure if it is better to be open and honest about how the relationship started or not to tell them? As you can see, I am very conflicted about what to do and I urgently need advice on what to do. I want my marriage to be with Allah’s blessing; that is my top priority. Please advise and Jazakallah for taking the time to read this.
Answer:
بِاسْمِ اللہِ سُبْحَانَہٗ وَتَعَالٰی، الَّذِیْ عَلَّمَ الْإِنْسَانَ مَعَالِمَ الدِّیْنِ، وَأَنْعَمَ عَلَیْہِ بِحَقَائِقِ الشَّرِیْعَةِ وَالتَّمْکِیْنِ
Your distress and feeling of shame are commendable. Allah Almighty loves those who repent and is the Forgiver of sins. Before answering the questions you have raised, it is important to understand that Allah’s mercy is vast, but it is also necessary to adhere to the principles of halal and haram.
Repentance from an Illicit Relationship and Its Effects
Leaving an illicit relationship and making sincere repentance from it is a great virtue. Allah Almighty says in the Quran: قُلْ يَا عِبَادِيَ الَّذِينَ أَسْرَفُوا عَلَىٰ أَنفُسِهِمْ لَا تَقْنَطُوا مِن رَّحْمَةِ اللَّهِ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَغْفِرُ الذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًا (Az-Zumar: 53). Meaning: Say, “O My servants who have transgressed against themselves, do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins.”
If, after repentance, you wish to marry the same woman, there is no religious impediment, provided that both of you have sincerely repented from your past sins and resolve to live in a halal manner in the future. However, it is essential that there be no further illicit relationship before marriage.
The Intention Behind Accepting Islam
Your concern that the woman is accepting Islam only for your sake is valid. But if she is sincerely understanding Islam and practicing it, as you mentioned her fasting during Ramadan and praying, this indicates that her faith is genuine. No one can judge the intention of accepting Islam except Allah. Do not doubt her intention; instead, look at her practical efforts. If she is truly practicing Islam, then her acceptance of Islam is valid, even if you were the means for it.
The Incident of the Marriage of Umm Sulaym (RA) and Abu Talhah (RA) Conditioned Upon Acceptance of Islam
Umm Sulaym (RA) (who was the mother of Anas ibn Malik RA) was a widowed woman. Abu Talhah (RA) (who had not yet embraced Islam) sent her a marriage proposal. Umm Sulaym (RA) said: “O Abu Talhah! A man like you is not to be refused, but you are a disbeliever and I am a Muslim. It is not permissible for me to marry you.” She further said: “If you accept Islam, that will be my dowry. I do not need any gold, silver, or wealth besides that.” Abu Talhah (RA) was so impressed by this that he accepted Islam. This is a unique marriage in Islamic history where the dowry was “Islam.”
Telling or Not Telling the Family
It is not necessary to tell your family about the past illicit relationship; rather, it is not even permissible because Islam encourages concealing sins, as Allah loves those who conceal (the faults of others). You can only say that you met a non-Muslim woman who has now become Muslim and you wish to marry her. There is no need to lie; just provide the necessary information.
Family Approval
Family approval is necessary for the administrative aspects of marriage, but if they refuse without any religious reason, you can marry without their consent or even without informing them. However, the best course is to tell your family that this woman is now Muslim and that her character and religiosity impress you. Try to understand their objections and convince them calmly.
Practical Steps
- Both of you should make sincere repentance and resolve to live in a halal manner in the future.
- After the woman has accepted Islam, ask her to learn Islamic teachings. Avoid any kind of conversation with her before the marriage, as this is akin to opening the door to sin.
- Before informing the family, understand their potential concerns and speak gently.
- Do not engage in any further illicit relationship before marriage, not even unnecessary conversation or familiarity.
Remember, Allah Almighty turns the sins of those who repent into good deeds. The most important thing in your current situation is sincere repentance and seeking help from Allah.
وَاللہُ بِالصَّوَابِ أَعْلَمُ، وَعِلْمُہُ أَصْوَبُ وَأَتَمُّ
