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یہ صفحہ اردو میں بھی موجود ہے۔ زبان کی تبدیلی کے لیے نیچے بٹن دبائیں۔
Question:
I am in a situation where I feel deep love for someone who has also sent a proposal for my hand. But my family has strong objections, and my father has already rejected it once.
Their concern is primarily because he is divorced with two children, from a different ethnicity, has reverted to Islam, and does not have a formal degree. They have expressed their dislike strongly and have even threatened me that if I continue this matter, they will disown me.
I seek guidance:
- How to navigate the conflict between respecting my family and acting on what I believe is right.
- How to make a choice in a halal and responsible manner while facing strong family opposition.
- Any advice from the Quran and Sunnah for a situation where family opposition is severe and there are concerns about the partner’s background.
I would greatly value any advice or steps I can take to handle this matter with patience, wisdom, and faith. Jazak Allah Khair
Answer:
بِاسْمِہِ اللہِ الَّذِیْ عَلَّمَ الْإِنْسَانَ مَعَالِمَ الدِّیْنِ، وَأَنْعَمَ عَلَیْہِ بِحَقَائِقِ الشَّرِیْعَةِ وَالتَّمْکِیْنِ
Your situation is extremely delicate, emotional, and decisive. The Pure Shariah, in this chapter, does not merely look at emotions, but provides guidance by combining religion, ethics, equality, family wisdom, future rights and responsibilities, and the prevention of mischief. Therefore, in this matter, neither mere emotions are sufficient, nor is mere family pressure decisive; rather, one must take steps keeping in view the Shariah principles, goodwill, and foresight of consequences.
The fundamental principle in this matter is that the consent of a mature, sane girl/woman holds primary importance in her marriage. And she cannot be forced into any marriage. Along with this, it should also be kept in mind that although marriage without the consent of parents and guardians may be contracted in some cases, marrying without parental consent, without any severe excuse, is extremely disliked in Shariah and ethics, a cause of lack of blessings, and an act that opens the door to severe conflict. Therefore, the balanced opinion is that neither the girl’s opinion is invalid, nor should the family’s goodwill be completely ignored. And especially, the parents’ opinion should be given special importance because after the commands of Allah and His Messenger ﷺ, obedience to parents in permissible and lawful matters has been made obligatory.
Balance between respecting parents and standing firm on your Shariah right is essential
The Importance and Obligation of Obedience to Parents
The Holy Quran has commanded good conduct with parents, rather, Allah Almighty in the Quran has commanded kindness to parents immediately after Tawheed. But at the same time, it has also given the principle that if parents compel something that is not correct according to Shariah or which involves disobedience to Allah, then they should not be obeyed; however, good companionship, gentleness, and respect will still be maintained with them in worldly matters. Verse 31:15 of Surah Luqman is the foundation of this chapter: even if obedience is not there, companionship with kindness is still obligatory.
Therefore, if parents prohibit and stop their adult child, whether a boy or a girl, from marriage altogether, then in that case it is permissible for the child to marry without resorting to immoral behavior towards the parents, rather than stopping on the halal path and falling into haram. Insha’Allah, they will not have any sin in this, even if the parents are also hurt by this action because respect for parents is also subject to Shariah and Allah’s command; if they go against it, their obedience is not obligatory either.
The Girl’s Consent in Marriage
Similarly, the consent of a woman has been considered valid by Shariah in marriage. It is narrated in Sahih Muslim that a Thayyib (i.e., a previously married woman) has more right over her matter than her guardian, and permission will also be taken from a virgin. From this, it is known that Shariah does not make a woman a mere silent pawn in the matter of marriage. Therefore, if a sane, mature girl performs her marriage herself without the consent of her parents, then such a marriage is contracted according to Shariah, although marrying without parental consent is not desirable according to Shariah and ethics. If the girl married a non-Kufw without the guardian’s permission, then before children are born, the girl’s guardians have the authority to approach the court and get this marriage annulled.
How valid are your family’s objections according to Shariah?
1. He is divorced and has two children
This objection in itself is not a Shariah impediment. Marriage to a divorced person or a person with children is permissible, and having been previously married does not make a person unacceptable for marriage.
2. He is from a different ethnicity/nation
Marriage from a different ethnicity or nation is originally permissible. It is not correct to declare it haram or invalid solely on the basis of “different ethnicity.” However, in Hanafi jurisprudence, under the title of Kafa’ah (equality), lineage, social compatibility, profession, integrity, and some other qualities are considered so that humiliation, conflict, or incompatibility does not arise in later life.
3. He has returned to Islam / is a revert
If a person’s Islam is correct and established, he is religiously steadfast, and there is stability in his belief and practice, then merely being a revert is not a Shariah defect. Many Hanafi fatwas have declared marriage with a new Muslim or revert permissible in principle, however, emphasis has been placed on wisdom, investigation, and checking steadfastness. That is, the question is not “he is a revert, therefore he is unacceptable,” but the question is “is his Islam firm, serious, and permanent?” Especially in today’s environment of trials and misguidance, checking the firmness of faith in people is very necessary, because this is the true essence of a person.
What should you do now?
Halal and Responsible Procedure
First Stage: Bring the relationship into the Shariah framework
Having emotions is not a sin, but meeting a non-mahram in seclusion based on these emotions, continuing private conversations, and increasing emotional dependence — all this is wrong and removes blessings. It is necessary to elevate the matter from the level of a “secret relationship” to the level of “discussing marriage.”
Second Stage: Appoint a neutral and dignified mediator
This is a very important practical step that is often overlooked by people. Direct argument and confrontation with the father often spoils the matter because when the child speaks herself, the parents feel rebellion and their ego becomes even more rigid. Instead, involve a sensible elder from the family whom the father listens to, or include a trusted religious scholar and Mufti who can present the matter with arguments and wisdom. When a third, credible person speaks, its weight is completely different.
Third Stage: Conduct complete, satisfactory, and impartial investigation of the proposal
(Do not gamble your future by being swept away in temporary emotions)
Love and emotions have their place, but making a decision without investigation is dangerous. A few basic things about this person should be clear.
- First and foremost, what is his belief, adherence to prayer, and religious disposition — because religion is paramount.
- Then, it is necessary to know the complete reality of the previous marriage and divorce: why the divorce happened and what were its causes.
- After that, the age of his two children, who has custody, who bears the expenses, and what is the legal status — all this needs to be known because it will directly affect your practical life.
- Also, his income, accommodation arrangements, permanent employment, and any debts — these are essential information for determining Kafa’ah (equality).
- And finally, his temperament, control over anger, history of previous disputes, and character verification — because your protection is most important.
The conditions of Kafa’ah (equality) mentioned in the Pure Shariah are based on this wisdom that practical realities should be clear before marriage.
Fourth Stage: Separate parental objections into prejudice and genuine concerns
This is perhaps the most important practical step and it will determine the direction of your conversation. Do not look at every objection of the parents with the same eye, but think about which objection is merely prejudice and which is a genuine concern.
For example, if the parents’ objection is only that “he is a revert” or “the ethnicity is different,” then this in itself does not have a Shariah basis and can fall under prejudice, because the Holy Quran has clearly stated in Surah Al-Hujurat that the only criterion in the sight of Allah is Taqwa, and regarding one who accepts Islam, there is a hadith that Islam erases everything that came before it.
But if the parents say that the income is unclear, there is no clear plan for the responsibility of the children, there is anger or instability in temperament, or there are legal complications — then these are genuine concerns that should not be ignored.
The wisdom is that when you acknowledge the parents’ genuine concerns and present a solid solution for them — for example, tell them that this person’s income is this much, the children’s expenses are like this, the accommodation arrangement is like that — then the objections based merely on prejudice will automatically weaken. The parents will also feel that the daughter has made a decision not with closed eyes but thoughtfully.
Fifth Stage: Consultation along with Istikharah
Many people think that Istikharah only means seeing a dream — this is a misconception. Istikharah is actually the name of a complete procedure whose correct order is: first investigate, then consult people of knowledge and sensible people, then perform Istikharah, and then, trusting in Allah, take a step in the direction where the heart feels at peace. It is mentioned in a hadith that one who performs Istikharah does not fail, and one who consults does not regret. Scholars have preferred this very order. Mere consultation or mere Istikharah, or doing neither, is an incomplete strategy whose result can later emerge in the form of failure and regret.
If, after doing everything, the parents still do not agree, then what should you do?
At this point, the most patience and the most wisdom is required.
The first thing is to never be hasty. First, adopt all legitimate means — mediation, dialogue, prayer, Istikharah, giving time — try everything.
If even then the parents refuse only for reasons that are not valid according to Shariah — for example, merely ethnicity or merely being a new Muslim — and on the other hand, the proposal proves reasonable in every aspect of religion, ethics, maintenance, accommodation, equality, and practical responsibility, then it is not necessary according to Shariah to abandon a correct proposal forever merely due to family pressure.
But but but… Despite this, taking a step in the form of a secret marriage, court marriage as rebellion, or in a manner of declaring war, in most cases becomes a cause of mischief, severing kinship ties, and future domestic ruin. Experience is witness that the majority of those who chose this path in anger and haste later regretted immensely — not only did difficulties arise in the marriage, but the relationship with the parents broke in such a way that it could never be mended. And regarding severing kinship ties, the Prophet’s ﷺ statement is clear that the one who severs ties will not enter Paradise.
This is why the essence of the practical advice given by Shariah experts, scholars, and Muftis on such occasions is that the path of consent, reconciliation, and wise gradualism should be adopted — not that of confrontation and haste. If Allah has written this proposal in your destiny, then paths will open through patience and prayer, and if it is not written, then what is destined for you is better — because the promise of the Quran is:
وَعَسٰۤی اَنۡ تَکۡرَهُوۡا شَیۡئًا وَّهُوَ خَیۡرٌ لَّکُمۡ (البقرۃ: ۲۱۶)
Remember, if the parents are prohibiting you based on genuine concerns and dangers and are not absolutely forbidding marriage but are insisting on a safe and non-suspicious place for marriage, then it is obligatory upon you to prioritize their command over your emotions because Allah has commanded good conduct with parents alongside Tawheed, and the minimum level of good conduct is to accept what they order with bowed head.
If, God forbid, something bad happens in this, then still, Insha’Allah, you will receive double reward due to obedience to parents.
But where the harm is clear or where you have absolutely no inclination at all to marry, there Shariah has given you the right to accept or reject in your marriage and wedding.
May Allah Almighty grant you the success to make the best decision. Ameen.
اَلْجَوَابُ بِعَوْنِ الْمَلِکِ الْوَھَّابِ، اَللّٰھُمَّ ھِدَایَۃَ الْحَقِّ وَالصَّوَابِ
